The 5 Biggest Losing Strategies Used by Couples To Save Their Marriage
In the context of relationships, particularly in marriage, couples often find themselves employing strategies that can be detrimental to their connection and overall happiness. According to what I know, Terry Real, a prominent psychotherapist, has identified five significant losing strategies that couples commonly use. Understanding these strategies is crucial for couples who wish to save their marriage and foster a healthier relationship dynamic.
One of the most common losing strategies is the need to be right. This strategy manifests when partners argue about whose perspective is more accurate or valid. The focus shifts from resolving issues to proving one’s point, which fuels self-righteous indignation. When individuals become entrenched in their beliefs and refuse to negotiate or consider their partner’s viewpoint, it creates an environment of discord.
The phrase “You can be right or you can be married” encapsulates the essence of this strategy; prioritizing being right over maintaining harmony ultimately erodes the relationship.
Another destructive strategy involves attempting to control one’s partner, whether through direct manipulation or more subtle means. This behavior can lead to resentment and retaliation because no one enjoys feeling controlled. When one partner tries to dictate how the other should behave or feel, it creates a barrier to emotional intimacy.
The reality is that individuals cannot control others; they can only manage their own reactions and behaviors. Attempts at control often backfire, leading to further conflict and dissatisfaction within the marriage.
Unbridled self-expression refers to sharing thoughts and feelings without regard for kindness or respect towards one’s partner. This approach often resembles venting frustrations indiscriminately, which can overwhelm the recipient with negativity and past grievances.
While it is important for partners to communicate openly about their feelings, doing so without consideration for the impact on each other can lead to emotional harm rather than resolution. Effective communication should involve expressing concerns constructively rather than unleashing a barrage of complaints.
Retaliation occurs when one partner responds negatively due to feeling wronged by the other. This strategy involves offending from a victim position—essentially saying “I’ll make you feel what I feel.” Such behavior may manifest as overt aggression or passive-aggressive actions aimed at inflicting emotional pain on the partner who has caused hurt.
However, this cycle of hurt only perpetuates more pain and does not lead to accountability or healing within the relationship.
Withdrawal is characterized by emotional unavailability where one partner shuts down or disengages from meaningful interaction with the other. This strategy often stems from feelings of overwhelm or frustration but leads to greater injury in the relationship as it can be perceived as abandonment by the other partner.
Instead of fostering understanding or resolution, withdrawal creates distance and isolation between partners, making it difficult for them to reconnect emotionally.
By recognizing these five losing strategies—Being Right, Controlling Your Partner, Unbridled Self-Expression, Retaliation, and Withdrawal—couples can begin to address these behaviors in order to save their marriage and cultivate a healthier relational dynamic.
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